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Factscinator's avatar

☣️ MISSING VIRUS LABS ☣️

🚨 NOW HIRING! 🚨

Position: Senior ViroLIELgist

Have you always wanted a career monetizing pseudoscience? 😱🔬

Do you possess the confidence to identify an invisible pathogen without it being present? 👨‍⚖️🦠

Can you transform a mysterious collection of cellular debris, laboratory chemicals, and animal torture experiments into tomorrow's global emergency? 🌍🚨

If so, your future begins here! 🎉

At Missing Virus Labs, our viroLIEgists proudly continue a tradition of finding certainty where lesser minds might inconveniently demand evidence. 🏆

Ideal candidates must have a proven track record of:

🧪 Assaulting monkey 🐒 kidney cell cultures with enough antibiotics, enzymes, detergents, reagents, and solvents to dissolve any potential evidence.

🔬 Shouting "Virus!" when the cells you just poisoned, starved, and chemically assaulted begin falling apart.

💻 Converting toxic cell breakdown into "viral genomes" using advanced computational imagination and several metric tons of assumptions.

🖼️ Slapping arrows on grayscale Jackson Pollock-style EM images and triumphantly announcing, "See? Virus!" 🦠

📈 Interpreting every result through the proven scientific principle that if the answer is known beforehand, the experiment becomes much easier.

🎯 Mastering the art of conflating "evidence of a virus" with "evidence that something dissolved in my petri dish."

🔄 Applying circular reasoning with professional precision by using assumptions to validate conclusions generated from assumptions.

📢 Injecting toxic cell cultures into the eyes, brains, and reproductive organs of laboratory animals to make them sick... sorry, to prove "viral transmission."

🏅 Preferred Qualifications:

✅ Ability to look baffled when asked simple questions about controls.

✅ Comfortable replacing dictionary definitions of isolation with a word salad explaining why isolation now means adding stuff.

✅ Experience publicly pontificating on the epidemiological progress of a virus nobody can locate.

✅ Passion for recommending toxic jabs, supplements, and antivirals to combat entirely hypothetical threats.

🌟 Employee Benefits Include:

💰 Unlimited funding for pseudoscience.

📺 Frequent television appearances as an expert on things that cannot be shown.

🏆 Opportunities to fabricate exciting new variants whenever public attention begins to wander.

Remember:

🪬 At Missing Virus Labs, we don't let a lack of evidence get in the way of quarterly earnings and your bonuses. 📈💰💷💶💴💵💰

✨ We simply process the evidence until it learns how to cooperate. ✨ ☣️😄🦠

Apply today!

Russell Schierling's avatar

Great stuff Unbekoming. Methinks you wrote this in regard to yesterday's comment. All I can say is wow - the more I learn, the less I know. Again, thank you.

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