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☣️ ALLERGY INDUSTRIES INTERNATIONAL ☣️

🚨 NOW HIRING! 🚨

Position: Senior Allergy Creator 🤧🏆

Have you always dreamed of transforming perfectly ordinary foods into lifelong sources of emergency room visits? 🥜📋😱

Do you possess the confidence to witness an exploding allergy epidemic and immediately conclude that absolutely anything except your own industry might be responsible? 🤡🔬

Can you help convert a generation of children who happily ate everything into a generation that requires a risk assessment before approaching a birthday cake? 🎂🚨

If so, your future begins here! 🎉

At Allergy Industries International, our specialists proudly continue a long tradition of creating problems, funding research into those problems, and patenting solutions for the problems we helped create. 📈💰🏆

Ideal Candidates Must Demonstrate:

🧪 Proven experience building allergy portfolios across peanuts, 🥜 milk, 🥛eggs, 🥚 wheat, 🌾 soy, 🌱 shellfish, 🦐 fish, 🐟meat, 🍖 and virtually anything else people once consumed without incident.

📈 Ability to observe allergy rates rising year after year while simultaneously producing increasingly creative explanations for why this is perfectly normal.

🎯 Advanced expertise in identifying causes absolutely everywhere except locations that may affect quarterly earnings. 💰

⚗️ Unwavering confidence around aluminum compounds, thimerosal, injected foreign proteins, and anything else best discussed in very small print.

📢 Confidence explaining that an explosion in chronic health problems could not possibly have anything to do with the 86 injections administered by high school. 🏫

Proficiency with the Allergy and Anaphylaxis Explain Away™ Toolkit. 🎪 Preferred blame narratives include: fake genetics, fake viruses, and Putin.

🏅 Preferred Qualifications:

✅ Ability to flatten the curve on a person's best years while maintaining a reassuring smile.

✅ Comfortable assuring the public that a foreign protein is perfectly harmless unless injected, while carefully avoiding discussion of why that distinction might matter.

✅ Experience explaining why an adverse reaction occurring immediately after injection is proof it's working.

✅ Proven ability to distinguish between "science" and "misinformation" based entirely upon who funded the conference buffet. 🍽️💰

✅ Extensive experience chairing committees tasked with investigating themselves and finding no evidence of wrongdoing.

✅ Capable of observing a disturbing correlation, dismissing it, funding a study into it, and then celebrating when the study concludes nothing of interest was found. 🔄🏆

🌟 Employee Benefits Include:

💰 Generous performance bonuses tied directly to growth in the conditions you're supposedly trying to eliminate.

📺 Frequent media appearances where confidence and a big smile are valued far more highly than honesty.

🎤 Invitations to future lucrative Big Harma executive positions with no strings attached.

🏆 Eligibility for the prestigious Golden Shrug Award for Outstanding Achievement in Explaining Why Nothing Is Ever Related. 💦💀

📈 Career advancement opportunities within our rapidly expanding Department of Advanced Eugenics.

Remember

At Allergy Industries International, we don't ask whether we're winning the war on allergies.

📈💰 We ask whether allergies are winning the war on customer retention. 💰📈

Apply today and help build a future where every lunchbox is an extreme sport. 🚀📋😄

jacquelyn sauriol's avatar

As a person vaxxed according to 1964's schedule until 2020, I have a high histamine/allergic reaction to a few things, pollen, formaldehyde, bug bites. I am finding relief in coping with histamines by taking 3 things; Inositol, DAO (diamene oxidase) and Pycnogenal. None of them are very expensive, so for now I will just keep up with all three. I also have a hunch that Turpentine orally may help, as that is somewhat related to Pycnogenal but is lower cost. I hope this information helps other sufferers.

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