Discussion about this post

User's avatar
Factscinator's avatar

🚨 NOW HIRING 🚨

Disease Invention Specialist

Department of Emerging and Never-Proven-to-Exist Pathogenic Microbes

Are you tired of adhering to the scientific method?

Do you look at a normal bodily detox response and think, “We could monetize that”? 🤔💰

Then we want YOU. 🧪✨

Our rapidly expanding institution seeks a Disease Invention Specialist to join an elite team dedicated to transforming inconvenient biological realities into billion-dollar product lines. 📈💉

✨ Key Responsibilities

🧫 Identify ordinary bodily responses — sweating, coughing, sneezing, vomiting, diarrhea — and officially designate them as brand-new infectious diseases.

🦠 Attribute these exciting new diseases to microscopic pathogens that remain frustratingly difficult to isolate, purify, or otherwise demonstrate under properly controlled conditions. Don’t worry — we have a PCR test for that. 🔬

💉 Develop innovative harmaceutical products designed to prevent the disease that was just invented. Bonus points if the product itself produces symptoms similar to the disease it claims to prevent. 📊

🤝 Assist in the regulatory approval process by working closely with committees filled with individuals who have purely coincidental financial relationships with manufacturers.

👶 Expand the childhood schedule whenever possible. Our long-term strategic vision is simple: if it moves, inject it. If it doesn’t move yet, inject it earlier.

✨ Ideal Candidate

🧠 Demonstrates exceptional talent for reinterpreting detoxification symptoms as viral attacks.

📊 Comfortable using diagnostic tools that detect “genetic” fragments of uncertain origin and presenting the results with absolute certainty.

🎤 Fluent in phrases such as “safe and effective,” “rare side effects,” and “trust the science.”

🎭 Possesses the creative imagination required to construct compelling pathogen narratives without the inconvenience of demonstrating the pathogen as an independent causal agent.

🙈 Skilled at ignoring irrelevant environmental distractions such as contaminated water, malnutrition, toxic exposures, or disrupted gut ecology. Those topics belong to other departments.

✨ Compensation & Benefits

💰 Competitive salary plus generous consulting opportunities from companies producing the products you recommend.

🏛️ Invitations to prestigious advisory panels where policy decisions and personal financial outcomes align beautifully.

⚖️ Participation in our Product Liability Protection Program, ensuring that any unfortunate outcomes remain someone else’s problem.

👶📈 Access to the world’s largest captive market: newborn infants who cannot read packet inserts, question diagnoses, or file adverse event reports.

✨ About Us

🏭 Our department has a proud tradition of innovation. Over the past six decades we have successfully expanded the childhood schedule from a modest handful of injections to dozens of doses before kindergarten.

💡 Our philosophy is simple: with enough creativity, any symptom can become a disease and any disease can become a product.

And remember…

If the body tries to eliminate toxins through vomiting or diarrhea, that’s not detoxification.

That’s a brand-new revenue stream waiting to be named. 💰🦠✨

Start Date

Immediate. The next pandemic narrative won’t write itself. 🦠📝

Ron.C's avatar

It's no wonder Dr. Tom is beloved by all the right folks and vilified by all the wrong folks.

10 more comments...

No posts

Ready for more?